Wednesday, December 26, 2007

American Goy Making fun of Christianity (the nerve!)

Why not make fun of Islam or Buddhism or Hinduism you ask?

Why is it always Christians?

First, I would never make fun of Islam, because people who send their own children with Semtex to blow up other people deserve my admiration. Thumbs up! You go boy (or girl!) Islam is a very peaceful and good religion, just like Christianity and Judaism. All nicey nice. I love Islam. Really. Please don't kill me.

Is that hello kitty I see?

Next, there is Buddhism and Hinduism, and like I said before, who gives a shit about people who pray to a fat dude or a cow? And Jainism is just fucked beyond all belief (truly), as for example Digambar monks in that religion do not wear any clothes. They think their holy scriptures condemn it. And I can say that because Jainism emphasises non violence. So fuck them. (Jainism on Wiki)

Also, being an idiot raised in Europe and transplanted to the Yoo Ess of Ey, I am most familiar with a particular brand of this religion phenomena insanity called Christianity.

So let's start on Christianity.

Christianity was made up by a hippy carpenter named Jesus. The Jews did not like that guy much, so they asked the Romans to kill him. After Herod, the dude in charge of Palestine at that time, did a Gallup Poll, Yeah or No, the Yeah's had it. And so the hippy was crucified.

Did I mention that Jesus was a Jew? Could be important later (could be a quiz at the end, kids!).

But before he was killed in a pretty entertaining way, Jesus taught his disciples (read - other hippies. Also all Jews. Pay attention).

The Jews believed in god's law, which was put in a local Palestine bestseller called The Torah. I recommend reading this book, as it contains an incredible amount of violence, kinkiness and other weird shit. This little propaganda booklet contains passages of incest, rape, murder, mass murder (on a biblical scale, pun intended) and kinkiness such as selling your kids into slavery per god's whim, in fact, slavery is A-OK with god in the Torah.

In fact, here are the more bloodthirsty and kinky (not in a good way) quotes of the good book.

Please keep in mind (we are all idiots here after all) that the Old Testament, aka The Torah, was written before Jesus was begotten (Apparently not born in a normal way... or something. I dont't know, ask your local priest or rabbi). And Jesus and his peeps based their own teachings on this book (they were Jews after all - a fact 100% of the Christians today seem to be missing).

Now, perhaps this version was a bit too bloodthirsty, or wacky, or there were spelling errors. Whatever the cause, a new better and improved word of god booklet was written. Due to a lack of originality prevalent at the time, it was called the NEW Testament. This new and improved version was supposedly written by the apostles. And interestingly, this is what this book is about - each dude that was in Jesus' own gang, has his own chapter called a gospel. And they talk a lot. About stuff.

Interestingly, there is less talk of killing your own kids (although there is some), or wiping out whole cities, with the victorious killing all men, women, children and animals (there is some), but the emphasis has switched. Now it became the (in)famous "turn the other cheek", whereas in the Old (Kick Ass!) Testament the emphasis was more on the "eye for an eye" kinda thing.

Eye for an Eye

Turning the other cheek

Why was that? Could it be that because the ruling elite (kings and priests in their churches) needed slaves errr docile workers to till their fields and cattle and pay their taxes? We wouldn't want the slaves oh man sorry workers to pick up swords and kill off the fat pig errrr priest who does nothing but lives off the slaving famers' backbreaking work?

In that situation, it is better to turn the other cheek when your lord/king/priest punish or torture you, and not to do an eye for an eye...

But perhaps that is just a coincidence. And perhaps I am an Irish hermaphrodite who has three arms? Perhaps?

The interesting thing is also that the people who were the church dictators err I mean elders in those times, picked and rejected gospels and holy stories according to their whim. Which is a pretty brazen thing to do if you believe that those stories COME DIRECTLY FROM GOD. I mean, those church leaders had BALLS. Or they simply knew it was all bullshit, and were shaping a religion to fit their and their KINGS' needs. Pick and choose your word of god

Kinda like the think tanks and pundits do today with facts in the American TV News and American president cherry picks intelligence about Iraqi WMD and now Iran. But I digress.

It got to be such a mess that a new version was needed. And so a King James Bible was made. Basically this was a translation from the original Greek texts into English of the New Testament propaganda. Or so they say...

So when an annoying christian tells you that the bible is the word of god, simply ask:

Now think on this.
With first one version whose theme was "eye for an eye" (god was bloodthirsty dude), then a new version whose main point was to "turn the other cheek" (god likes his people peaceful, and the sheep cuddly ready for shearing and slaughter), and then all the translations, from original Hebrew, Aramaic (Palestinians back then spoke this language. Still spoken in modern times by Christians in Lebanon), and (old version of the language) Greek, and then translated into English, and then translated into all the languages of the world...

Did you ever play a children's game where you sat in a line or a circle, and the first person whispered a phrase to another one, but said it so quietly that only the other person heard it? Now, this happens until the last kid hears the phrase.

The last kid is then asked what he/she heard. And inevitably, what that kid heard had nothing to do with the original phrase.

I bid you all good night.

We shall prevail.

I will leave you with John Lenn.... no, you fuckers do not deserve that. Instead, I give you two dissenting views on religion, as shown by the great Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch:
You gotta believe!

Bonus Material:

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