Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Sigh - American Goy's Obligatory Chuck Norris Facts blog post

The blog was getting mighty too serious.

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in just 3 moves
When Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands and came back it was just called the Islands.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
There is no such thing as evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is able to divide by zero
Chuck Norris counted to infinity ... Twice
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his parents.
Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it."
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

and finally
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.


Here is the awesomness in action:
Chuck Norris...Mr. Chuck Norris to you

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